My story starts so beautifully.
I have been blessed with a strong, loving, secure family unit.
I believed problems did not exist, as they were dealt with before I knew about them.
I was supported through all my life events accordingly.
Life was good. I was happy. I felt loved.
I knew my strengths and felt confident.
Life up until the age of 26 was as perfect as life could be.
I found out I was pregnant with our beautiful lady. I still lived at home with parents. I had no savings. I loved partying too much. Life with Chris felt like it was just beginning.
We gave birth to our beautiful lady in August 2010, Friday 13th no less! Little did I know she would unknowingly help me through some of the most difficult life events I will ever experience.
When our daughter was 3 months old we found out Chris needed open heart surgery. I attended his appointments with him as a hormonal wreck.
We were given the information that his heart would be stopped with no guarantee it would start again. I did not realise the impact those words have had on me. One sentence which still makes fear grip the inside of me. So much guilt showing up. Had I been enough? Had I helped him? Did I make Chris feel loved and adored? Had I spent too much time looking after our new baby and I and not given him what he needed at a time he possibly needed me most? Head spinning with questions.
The operation was successful and so I allowed those feelings to be pushed deep down. Looking back I know that I never expressed those feelings properly. Feelings like this can be supressed but never eradicated.
They were left chipping away deep down.
Soon after this my Mum unfortunately suffered with meningitis and my Dad was given news he had cancer.
We decided life was throwing serious events our way and so we knew we adored each other and decided to get married as soon as possible.
We planned a beautiful day within 6 months and had everything we wished for.
Apart from my Dad.
He died 3 weeks before our wedding.
I felt very grateful that he had seen so many of the plans it allowed a part of me to feel he was there. I just struggle to find words to describe the pain of not having him link my arm down the aisle.
My brother bravely stepped up and allowed for us to show strength and dignity as a family. Traits I know will stay with me through all future events, I am proud of how we all got through our very special day.
Guilt is possibly expected after a bereavement. I understand it to be natural, I just hadn’t been prepared for the strength of that heartache and so my emotions were heightened massively.
I ended up spending time in hospital shortly after our honeymoon as my body gave up battling on. My mind was strong and thought it could cope. My body knew differently.I have learned to listen to my body. I now listen to it whisper cues, rather than making it scream at me.
Fast forward 2 years and we are pregnant with a baby boy.
I suited pregnancy. All was classed as ‘Normal’. I felt well physically and mentally. The excitement for our little family was huge.
Unfortunately life did not work out as perfect as we had planned.
Our beautiful baby James was born, and at 12 hours old gained his angel wings.
We heard the words ‘His heart has stopped’.
My body and mind crumbled. As his Mummy why did I not do more? The only job I have is to keep him safe. Why did I not fight for what I knew was best? Why did I listen to the advice of others?. I should have been stronger and spoken up.
The hospital advised us that they have since made 4 pages worth of detailed changes.
The only positive to losing our gorgeous boy was that no other baby will experience what he had to. That has been the only thing I could grab hold of to carry on.
I was so fortunate to fall pregnant again and a beautiful boy arrived in our lives 9 months later. He helped us to move forward in a positive way and has made life more fun, adventurous and reminds us everyday to smile.
At aged 2 Joshua showed signs with his health that something wasn’t right. The doctors and nurses may have been fed up of seeing me but my Mothers instinct had kicked in and I refused to ever listen to others again. I knew him best and I knew to keep asking for answers.
I requested he be seen by specialists and he was found to have the same heart condition as Chris. They automatically scanned our daughter too.
Both of our beautiful children needed immediate open heart surgery.
Within 6 months we had signed those dreaded forms for both children, which say that whatever the outcome, you accept what is given.
As a parent you hand your child over to the doctors with tears in your eyes and are then expected to just sit and wait for news. 6 long hours we waited each time.
I just remember feeling numb and so out of my depth.
Guilt showed for me as I wish I could go through this for them.
Life was kind to us from here and my 2 zipper club hero’s have their gorgeous scars to show and tell their story.
The last 10 years have taught me to not sit and expect life to treat you in any certain way. We can plan for so much but we need strength, bravery and courage to grow through life when it decides to throw you a curve ball.
I have learned to practice gratitude daily and spent so much of my spare time studying self development. I have spent thousands of pounds on courses which have allowed me to learn who I really am. I keep learning and keep growing…
I then got myself a coach and mentor. I went on to study NLP and hypnotherapy qualifications as this is what therapies helped me through my most difficult times.
I had to learn who I was. I had to learn the language I was using with myself. I learned how to reframe negative and traumatic events. This is not to ever lessen the importance, it just allows for the event to be processed differently and has enabled me to move forward.
I am now a Queen of Self Awareness and know every inch of my body and mind. I removed the guilt. I allowed myself to see why I showed certain behaviours. I accept life, will keep changing so I know how to monitor and make amendments necessary. I know my mind and I will never again seek approval from others or let anybody overrule what I think is right for my family and I. I understand guilt and regret have an unbelievable effect on us and can show up for so many different reasons.
I value every minute of the day as I know how important life is, and how to respect it.
I want to help empower you to make the changes you want. You will have experienced life at its best, and life at its worst. You possibly appreciate these and generally just feel lost. I can show you the tools that are needed and give the support you require to make the changes needed.